I’ve had this site barely over a week now, and just added a title and tag tonight. I don’t like them because it narrows the audience I can reach. Some people use them because it will draw a minimum of people to their site. Even one person can mean your posts are not useless. Of course, the larger your audience, the more effect your posts can have. But I think most people use them because they care about the subjects they cover, and want to speak to others that care about that too.
I didn’t have a title or tag because I couldn’t find either that would explain the purpose of this site. Honestly, I don’t know for sure what the purpose of this site is. The only reason I can see for it is to help as many human beings as I can. Why would I not pursue such a noble goal? But that’s not the reason for this site. Fact is, I’ve always wanted to help as many people as possible, for as long as I’ve been conscious of life, it’s the only thing that gives meaning to life itself. When I first asked myself why would I want to help others it was because no one seemed to want to help me. Because of an early childhood trauma my view of life was impaired. My interpretation of events was warped. Add to that the usual problems of a broken home, parental neglect, poverty and a highly toxic social environment outside the home, I was about as screwed up as you could make a young person.
I guess I wanted to help people mostly because I didn’t want them to experience the things I had experienced. I couldn’t even wish such thing on my worse enemy.
But I would find, as I grew, most people don’t want be helped. Those that did, asked for it. But my experience had taught me that some people, usually those who needed help the most, would not ask. For me, it was because I was such an unworthy person that I didn’t deserve any help. I was an exceptionally quiet kid because I was consumed by shame and afraid that anyone I talked to might reveal that shame to others.
As I got older, I also saw that people who claimed they wanted to help others, actually did harm, sometimes great harm. In my struggles I hoped only for one thing: to be a good person. I guess that has been my only ultimate goal ever since. I’m 66 and I wonder if it’s even possible. But to start down that road I needed to define what being a good person really meant. I had already experienced enough people who claimed to be good but really weren’t. I consider anyone who says they are good to be telling a lie, even if the lie is unintended. So to be really good, my definition added “do no harm”.
Doing no harm is a lot harder than it should be. But towards that effort I would not give people an uninvited opinion. Even if asked I would avoid answering if I could see any way that it might do harm. I’ve held onto that attitude my whole life.
My definition of good expanded to add “Always be honest to yourself and others”. That’s pretty much as far as I’ve gotten.
So, with all that, I see no reason to blog. Until a couple of months ago, I totally avoided social media altogether. I had never posted so much as a comment or opinion to the general public. I’m still convinced doing so is a bad idea. If not bad, then pointless.
So why do I persist? Simple answer: My beliefs about god compel me to. Why couldn’t I use that in a title or tag? Certainly that would draw a minimum audience. Yes it would, but it would be an audience of people that are the hardest to help. For the same reason, I cannot use the word “god” in any title or tag or even the title for a single post. I have attempted to work around that in a couple of posts by using “creator” instead. Now I don’t even do that.
Yet, with all that, I’ve written a great deal in this post knowing full well that it is unlikely anyone will ever read it. To me, it seems a sign of insanity to continue to do so. And yet, I will continue because god, as I see him, knows everything. Therefore he must know why he has me doing this. I can think ( so far ) of only two reasons. He must know that at some point, people will see this and be helped by it . Or, doing this is meant to help me in some way I cannot see yet.
Either way, my desire to be good is still with me, and while my desire to “do no harm” is still there, since god is my only proof of good, I’m satisfied that continuing will not inhibit my progress towards goodness.
Of course, to be honest, if I should ever determine that god is not that pure example of good I thought he was, then I would quit and go back to my old ways. I would be just fine with that. It would hurt for sure. It always hurts to find out you are wrong. But finding out you are wrong is itself a good thing. After all, if you could eliminate all the wrong in your life, then whatever is left, must be good.